Sunday, September 30, 2007
Sometimes I have to remind myself of how I walked away with my clenched fist stuck deep in my pocket. When that happend I thought of giving up.
But I didn't. I thought it was all a test of my patience. Maybe it just made me uninteresting and pale. I don't really care. I think it's better than the fighting and the arguing.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
I met him just before the war. On my way to the border.
We had so much in common. The same boring upstart in middle class hell.
We were in the same unit, in the same uniform, in the same army.
In the chaos he disapeared and everything we had fought for seemed in vain. I lost a good friend and we lost the war. We all went home. Before the war we thought we would be heroes and save the world.
Four weeks ago I met him on the train to work. I barely recognized him. He was in a poor state. He told me he liked himself better when he was drunk. In a sober state he could feel fear and anxiety. He said he had been thinking a lot about going to therapy so I told him that I would listen.
Last night he told me that he thinks our sessions are good for him. And I told him I think it does me a lot of good too. He said he felt much better now but I know he was lying. There was still a lot of happiness leaking on the inside.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Its ice on a beach. It looks weird but I took it from above, straight down on the dark ice with sand inbetween.
That ice has some stories to tell. And maybe it's right, maybe we are in a terrarium. I can't imagine what I would do without food. We never think about how we would manage without water. I thought we had conquered the earth but it turns out I was wrong.
I know I said I would give up slowly but change fast. I feel I just have to change. The sunshine on my face fades when I get bad news. So I need to change.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
They have rearranged this monster put on a suit and tie.
They have made it to a concept so that sales would hit the sky.
I wonder if he ever thought about trying to phone her. I guess not.
He belived that love was a threat to society. That if he couldn't provide he would be left alone. For the moment he was unemployed.
When I spoke with him yesterday he said something that disturbed me.
"I try to be good, I try to help people in need. But then I close my eyes just like we close our borders to the third world. Who are we to give or take lives? The world is revolting and we are a part of the shit"
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Maybe its a disco bloodbath your looking for.
Here's a hammer and follow that club kid.
It's the third door on the right.
You don't get famous if you don't try some.
And remember to give him the last trip.
Angel was resting in pieces in the tub.
Sometimes Michael would addmit the murder.
When he was on Special K with James St James.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
If your leaving close the door.
I am not expecting people anymore.
Here me greiving lying on the floor.
Whether I am dead or drunk I really aint too sure.
I am a blind man and my world is pale.
Had a friend once in a room.
Had a good time but it ended much too soon.
On a rainy night in that room.
Found a reason for the things we had to do.
I am a blind man and now my room is cold.
Maybe you ask yourself is he dead or is he dizzy.
For I dont know. I think he is fine.
I think he is getting along.
Adjusting, making out and doing what everybody else is.
I think he is still in the grass. Like when he was 14.
He'd hear the trains. He'd hear the trucks.
He didn't know they would hurt him so bad.
And to all you fenceleaners: are you worth what you get paid? Or is it just fools gold? Yes its only fools gold so why should I bargain?
Curtain, applause, now don't expect any encores.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
He had no idea about the consequences.
About the anger he had stored inside.
He was scared of himself. Of what he had become.
Once he was a moneymaker.
A well known taker and a fortune faker.
He thought he could turn his back and everything would go away.
But he was always concious of his guilt.
And it kept him with fear.
One day it just blew his mind out with a bang.
No more enchiladas.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
I think I have done my time.
Engaged, Enraged, Erased.
Now I am hungry for love.
Is this the last ditch? Is it the last?
Tell me that this is the last ditch!
Rain pouring down on a man walking by himself in Bagarmossen. In the green plastic bag he carried his companion for the day. His bottle.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Life is good again. I'm on a roll,
I'm on a roll this time
I feel my luck could change.
Kill me Sarah,
kill me again with love,
it's gonna be a glorious day.
Pull me out of the aircrash,
Pull me out of the lake,
I'm your superhero,
we are standing on the edge.
In Stockholm I was asked some questions about how I dress. Check it out.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Thursday, September 6, 2007
I was pretty dedicated. I was stuck to the cause. I kept on think everything would work out fine. I jumped, I slipped, I fell. It was really nothing I coughed a little blood.
I let the engine running. I let it go all night. Then I got struck by lightning and everything went dark. I was on water, I skated on thin ice. I was only seven and I got knifed. My heart was excausted and I saw the sky explode.
The building was on fire. I was left inside. I could feel the pain but then there was nothing.
I heard your voice in the distance. I tried to fix the sound but my hands went numb. It was unbearable and I never saw the ban. Those pills went straight to my head. I never said goodbye. I just slowly went away. Maybe I am a fool, but I am the greatest fool of all.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Things will definitely change over time and it is stupid to think that what is now is going to be the same in five years. I look at life as different chapters in a book. A chapter in my life has just ended and a new one is begining. If I would try to keep a chapter open in the future, that just might get written the way I want it to get written now, I am just beeing dishonest to myself. You cant step down in the same brook twice.
Somebody said "Life is too short to learn German" and I concur. Life is too short. But I think life can be twice as fullfilling if you share it with somebody you love. And I want a fullfilling life. Just like everybody else.
So to keep living my fullfilling life I am reading a book called "The art of beeing nice" (Konsten att vara snäll av Stefan Einhorn). Funny enough my mother gave me the book at the very moment I was begining to doubt if there ever is a meaning of being nice. I was begining to think that nice people never get what they want and that they just get used. But this is not true according to the book. A nice person is more likely to succeed because people want to work with them and they are kept as a kind of top-of-mind when it comes to people you want to keep contact with. So is it much harder being nice? I think so. It takes a lot more intelligence and strength because a nice person has to be careful of not getting used by others and at the same time be good at taking ethical decisions. An ethical decisions is based on knowledge of what is concidered right and wrong, being true to what you want, feeling empathy towards others and finally what the result will be of the decision.
The picture is of Karl and his wife at their swedish wedding. He invited me after not talking to each other for 15 years! We had no hard feelings it just became that way after we finished high school in Paris. Karl moved to the Phillipines (where he met his lovely wife) and I went back to Sweden. But still he remembered me after all those years and I was very happy to get the invitation to their wedding.